“I’ve got two things to discuss with you,” little Egg told me this week. The red warning lights flashed. “Yes?” I asked.
“The first is your appearance. You’re getting fat. You don’t shave on weekends. And I will need to style your hair because it looks … well … it looks like a grandfather’s hair.” “Hmmm,” I said.
“And the second thing?” She looked me straight in the eye. “I’ll need new toys. A lot of it. And fancy cold drinks in the fridge. My friend Alex is coming to visit, and I don’t want him to think we are poor.”
“That’s fraud,” I said. “Do you want the Reserve Bank to come and seize your toys and our Boland wine farm and our beach house in Hermanus?” She was worried.
ALSO READ: How stupid can a father be! Here’s why I don’t have a stepson anymore…
“They can’t take my toys, can they?” “If they think you used a less than honest strategy to get them, they will. They frown upon playing on your father’s emotions,” I replied.
I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. “My toys…” “The Reserve Bank took Markus Jooste’s toys,” I told her. “Are banks bad?” she asked. “Yes,” I replied. “Banks are bad. They do weird maths and close their doors just as you arrive. And they are tight-fisted – you should see all the stuff they want from me before they will consider my application for money to buy mommy a new house.”
“I don’t think I like banks,” she said before she disappeared upstairs to hide her toys. Later she came down and sat on my lap. “I like your tummy just the way it is,” she said. “And you don’t have to shave if you don’t want to. But I will style your hair so people can see how cool you are.”
“We can go to a toy shop over the weekend,” I said and immediately kicked myself. “And to our beach house in Hermanus?” she asked. “We don’t have one,” I said. “Did the Reserve Bank take it?” she asked. “No,” I said. “We can’t afford a beach house in Hermanus.”
ALSO READ: Fathers’ Day: Forget about the sticks and stones…
It just goes to show you, money can’t buy happiness. I’m sure I’m a much happier man than Markus Jooste. Even if I don’t have a wine farm or beachfront property, I have the love of a manipulative six-year-old daughter and that is worth so much more.
