From boxed wine lovers to self-proclaimed sommeliers, everyone has an opinion—but does anyone really know what “minerality” means?
There is no battleground quite as chaotic, passionate and unintentionally hilarious as a casual get-together where non-experts (read: self-appointed sommeliers with YouTube degrees) begin to argue about which wine is best.
I saw it recently. Someone showed up at my housewarming party with a bottle of something that “paired beautifully with duck” the last time they watched MasterChef. Another guest immediately raised an eyebrow. “Oh. A Merlot?” – the way some people say “Oh. You still use Hotmail?”
From there, it spiralled. Someone inevitably declared: “I only drink old-world reds.”
Translation: “I once went to a wine farm in France for three hours on a Contiki tour and now I judge people who say Shiraz instead of Syrah.”
This person swirled their glass like they were about to summon the ghost of a Roman emperor. They talk about “notes of plum and anxiety”, and you find yourself pretending to smell them too, just to stay in the conversation.
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Then entered the brave soul who said: “Honestly, I don’t mind a box of wine. It’s convenient.”
Gasp.
Wine Snob 1 choked on their Cabernet. Somewhere, a sommelier in Stellenbosch fainted.
But the box-wine warrior is unashamed. “It lasts longer. And it fits perfectly in my fridge next to the leftover curry.”
Respect.
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Another brave idiot suggested a blind tasting.
Suddenly, half the guests couldn’t tell the difference between a R200 bottle and the cheap one from that petrol station with the suspicious deli section.
But no one wanted to admit it.
So, they mumbled things like: “Ah yes, this one’s… expressive.”
One woman was just sniffing the glass while googling “what does Tempranillo smell like?”
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And just when you think the argument is reaching its natural death, Linda, who has been drinking semi-sweet rosé with ice cubes all afternoon, announces: “All I know is, wine is wine. I like the pink one. It makes my knees weak.”
Everyone paused. And just like that, the tension evaporated. Because deep down, she’s right.
Wine is subjective. It’s fermented grape juice with PR. Whether you like a bold Bordeaux or a bubbly Brut with a hint of banana (why?), that’s your business.
Just remember: no-one likes a tannin tyrant or a corkscrew knowit-all. Drink what you like and never trust someone who says they can taste “minerality” unless they’ve actually licked rocks.
